Browsing Tag

csection

0 In csection/ Motherhood/ pregnancy

Maxwell’s birth story

cesarean section

As a labor and delivery nurse, I think it’s natural that I love reading and hearing about other people’s birth stories. They are each so different and so beautiful.

I have thought for a long time about sharing Maxwell’s birth story.  At first, it wasn’t one that I was proud to share as it wasn’t the birth I had hoped for. But over time I’ve learned that every story is different and truly it doesn’t matter whether you had your baby vaginally or by csection. Two years later and as I prepare to bring baby #2 into the world, I’m finally getting to it. (#procrastinatorsunite)

So here goes…

My birth story is not at all what I had envisioned when I first got pregnant. I had hopes of going into labor naturally on my own and seeing how far my body could go and what it could do. I dreamed of a delivery where I would work my butt off but it would all be worth it in the end when they placed my baby on my chest for my husband and I to marvel at this miracle we created. But that wasn’t the birth experience I was given.

pregnant

At about 35 weeks pregnant, I started showing signs of preeclampsia. My legs were swollen, I was spilling protein in my urine and my blood pressure was elevated. I had mentioned it to one of the OB’s at my appointment and explained that my mom also had a history of preeclampsia and that I was concerned. The doctor pretty much brushed it off, told me to eat more protein and lay off the carbs. I left feeling like my concerns were not being heard, and deep down I knew to trust the voice in my head.

At my 36 week appointment I saw another OB in the group. My blood pressure was still elevated, and I still had protein in my urine so she decided to run further lab work. I went to the lab for my testing and they explained that since it was Friday, they wouldn’t have the results until Monday.

That weekend, I started having awful headaches and just felt like something was off.  Monday morning came around and I logged into my online portal where patients could check the results of their labs and have access to all of their medical records. My lab work showed that my protein-creatinine ratio was 0.3 which was borderline. I called the office and left a message with the nurse that I wanted one of the OB’s to call me back to discuss my results.

preeclampsia

The next day, Tuesday, I still hadn’t heard back from the doctor I had seen on Friday. I was working at the hospital that day and texted my favorite OB in my practice and told him I wanted to discuss some things with him. He happened to be on his way into the hospital and we agreed to talk when he got there. I explained my labs and my symptoms and he scheduled me to see him in the office the next morning. The next day at my appointment, my blood pressure was 150s/90s, my legs, arms and face were swollen. Overall, I felt like crap, and I kept getting headaches on and off. We decided that while everything looked fine with the baby on ultrasound, it would be safer to head into the hospital for induction.

I remember we were driving home to go pack my bags and get the dog to bring to my parents and I had this overwhelming sense of anxiety. I just felt like something was going to go wrong and I was upset that this was not happening the way I wanted it to.

So off to the hospital we went, it was Wednesday and I was 37 weeks and 2 days. My cervix was pretty thick and only a fingertip dilated so I spent the first night and the next day getting cervical ripening to help make my cervix favorable for pitocin.  On Friday when my OB came in, my cervix was only 1 cm dilated and about 80% effaced.  My OB wanted to break my water and start pitocin. I mentioned trying a foley balloon instead to which he said “he didn’t think that was a good idea” as I also didn’t want a prolonged induction.  So they broke my water and started pitocin. In hindsight I wish I advocated for myself more but what’s that saying? “Shoulda, coulda, woulda”.

I’m not sure how long it was after that, but it didn’t feel like a long time, I soon started kicking into labor. My contractions felt like one was coming after another and I felt like I wasn’t getting a break. I got my epidural and shortly after, Maxwell’s heart rate had one prolonged decel that felt like an eternity. My OB came in to check me and I was only 5-6cms. We tried repositioning side to side but it wasn’t coming back up to baseline. I don’t know how long it lasted, but the next thing I knew we were going right back to the OR.

Once we were in the OR, it all happened very quickly. Next thing I knew, the baby was out and I heard my OB say “it’s a boy!” and he handed him off to the baby nurse. When they brought him over to me, I felt relieved that he was here and healthy but I was still in shock of how everything had happened.

csection

cesarean section

Back in the recovery room, I started having feelings like I couldn’t breathe and just this overwhelming sense of doom. Anesthesia and my OB both came back to see me and agreed it was probably from the epidural and maybe my level was too high. Looking back now, I know that it was a panic attack.

I went home from the hospital with feelings of guilt from having a c-section and not being able to do it naturally. Should I just have kept quiet and let things happen naturally? But what if I ended up having a seizure or stroke? Did my OB jump the gun by going back to the OR? If we waited a little bit longer, would his heart rate have come back up and would I have ended up with the delivery I envisioned? My husband tried to help by saying “you have a healthy baby and you’re healthy, what more could you ask for?” But I wasn’t healthy mentally. I didn’t want to hold my baby, I would cry when I had to breastfeed him, and at night I would stare at him obsessively to make sure he was still breathing.

I was 10 months postpartum when all of my feelings came to a head.  I literally wanted to run outside of my body and run away somewhere. I didn’t know what was wrong, but I knew it wasn’t right. I decided to go on anxiety medication and made a few appointments with a therapist. After a few sessions I realized my anxiety was due to feeling like I wasn’t in control of my own birth experience and feeling guilty for not being able to have a vaginal delivery and breastfeed.

Almost 2 and a half years later and I can say I still feel like that birth experience was robbed from me but in the long run does it matter? The answer is no. My son is the healthiest, happiest, most loving soul and I wouldn’t change that for the world.

However, this time around, I’ve changed OBGYN practices where I feel 110% supported and where I can play a more active role in my experience.

 

birth story

12 In Baby/ Motherhood

To the mother suffering from mom guilt let it go

motherhood

 

“Are you breastfeeding?” asked one of my friends who was over visiting me and my new baby. “No, not anymore”, I answered quietly. The judgemental stare on her face said it all, she didn’t have to say anything. “I tried though, it’s really hard”, I added. “I breastfed Sophia for the first year of her life” my friend said smugly. The feeling of guilt swept over me. Why does it matter how you feed your baby?  Or whether you had a c-section or an epidural, or countless other decisions we make as parents. And why do we feel so much guilt? Why are other moms so judgey?

I have to admit, I was one of those people. As a labor and delivery nurse, I thought I knew it all, knew what was best for moms and their babies.  A mom would whip out the bottle to feed her kid and I would secretly think “I wonder why she’s not breastfeeding?”.  Oh how becoming a mother changed all of that.  See when I became pregnant, I had this beautiful plan all laid out of how my birth would go and what kind of parent I would be. Boy was I naive.  The reality is nothing went as I thought it would. I ended up getting induced at 37 weeks and 2 days for preeclampsia, had every intervention under the sun to try and get me into labor, got an epidural and then was a crash c-section because Maxwell’s heart rate dropped after my epidural.  After two weeks of breastfeeding, pumping and supplementing to try and help Maxwell regain his birth weight, I was utterly exhausted, anxious and becoming distant towards my baby. Breastfeeding was becoming unhealthy for me mentally.  After two weeks I made the painful decision to “take the easy way out” and formula feed.  Maxwell started gaining weight, was satisfied after feedings and I was able to enjoy being with my baby again.

Why are we as a society creating unrealistic expectations with sayings like “breast is best” that can lead moms to feel like failures?  As if the postpartum period with all of the changing hormones and new way of life isn’t hard enough lets hold moms to this standard of being this “ideal, perfect” mother on top of everything else that she is going through.  And what makes other moms think that they know what’s best and give them the right to throw shade at other moms for the decisions they make? It’s hard being a mom in today’s culture. We are criticized for every decision we make.

Had a c-section? She took the easy way out.
Had a natural medication free vaginal delivery? Who does she think she is a martyr or something?
Going back to work and sending your kids to daycare? Selfish
Stay at home mom? Slacker
Homeschool your kids? Wierdo.
Oh your kids go to public school? They’re average.
Dress nice and look put together? She puts her own needs before her kids.
Wearing yoga pants and a baseball hat? Slob

Who the hell cares?

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/183943966013654175/

The reality is, there is no right or wrong way to parent your kids.  We’re all just winging this parenthood thing. You try it all and then see what sticks. You know what’s best for you and your baby. Whether you breastfeed or formula feed, had a vaginal delivery or c-section, are a working mom or stay at home mom, the list goes on and on. It truly doesn’t matter. Cut yourself some slack. These babies grow so fast, don’t let comparison trip you up and steal you from relishing in the joys of motherhood.

The bottom line is my kid’s no different than yours.

Sincerely,
this epiduralized, c-section, formula feeding, co-sleeping mama

 

Read some of my other honest words on motherhood

Self Care tips for moms

Why every mom should take a night away

 

Pin for later

tips for dealing with mom guilt